Presto! by Penn Jillette

Author:Penn Jillette
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Simon & Schuster

FROM TARGET TO BIRTHDAY

CrayRay hadn’t seen me in person since Thanksgiving (although he had seen pictures of me). We were going to meet on my birthday, and I was ready for him. I hit my target weight a few days before the target date, so all I had to do was hold the line for a couple of days. On my birthday, CrayRay would move me from “wait loss” to “maintenance.” I’d be going from eating one meal a day to eating all day, whenever I wanted. I could also start exercising. And for you old-fashioned people who think counting calories is the way to go, I would be going from about (this is a very rough estimate) a thousand calories a day to (even rougher estimate) about thirty-three hundred calories a day. Adding a couple thousand calories every day would prevent me from losing 0.9 pounds per day the way I had been doing and hold me at my target weight (all numbers except “0.9 pounds per day” are made up—but 0.9 pounds is a couple thousand calories, right?). On my birthday I would start eating like a Fuhrburger pig, but until then I would keep my toes on CrayRay’s line and keep my promise to myself.

This was February 28, and as I better fucking know very fucking well, that’s my wife’s birthday. To celebrate, EZ wanted to take a lot of her friends to the really fancy-ass Caesars hotel buffet and then go see the very attractive and funny Wayne Brady. We had a bunch of seats for the show, but our first stop was the buffet.

There are lots of bullshit studies that say buffets are the worst for healthy eating. To get your money’s worth, you gotta cram a lot of salt, fat, sugar, animal products, and refined grains into your gob. Caesars has a good/bad buffet for that, because there’s really good meat and crab and fancy desserts. It was EZ’s birthday but it wasn’t mine yet, so I had to keep on my program; there would be no “Rare and Appropriate” for me yet.

I created a salad at the Caesars buffet that was great, and I haven’t had a version of it since. I didn’t use any lettuce. There was no rhythm section to this salad. I put in nothing but cilantro, basil, and onions for my base. They had bowls of those to garnish soup, and I just filled a plate with them like they were the entrée. I laid sliced onions like spaghetti on the bottom. Garnishes were the main course. They were no longer twenty feet from stardom, they were my supper. I had a huge plate of cilantro, basil, and onions, and then added a few radishes, carrots, and a lot of really hot peppers. Just the smell of this salad made my eyes water. I piled up the plate with it.

Robin Leach, the Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous guy, is a friend of ours, and he loves my wife. He was at Caesars for her birthday party.

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